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Almost.
Probably it's just missing the constant interaction with people. And the idea that you're working, putting in your time, earning a living like a responsible grown-up. It's a good feeling to wake up every day knowing that people are relying on you to be somewhere and to do a job. It's also good that people expect you there at a certain time, because I only have SO much self-discipline when it comes to waking up early when I don't have somewhere to be.
So here I am, literally (and figuratively) packing up my life; one adventure in a different continent and then another whole set of adventures in a city far away from home.
But at least I won't get typhoid on any of these adventures because I got the vaccine today. Ouch!
First on the list was our roommate Kristin who had dated a corps boy for several years...then, our roommate Rachel who had met her match, a handsome law school student in Houston. After the initial few, we added couple after couple who we thought, in our infinite college senior wisdom, would get engaged within a few months or years. After a couple was engaged, their listing was checked. After a wedding, they were double checked. It scares me that I need to think of a mark to designate "with child..." because there are several couples having children. Now. Already. Having a kid.
Created almost three years ago, the list is still on the fridge at our apartment. Most of the names are checked. Most are even double checked. Others, sadly, have been crossed through. But the list still exists. And now...it's time to begin listing names on the backside, because the front is full. When the list was first invented, we felt we were on the precipice of something magnificent. And now, I'm no longer on the precipice...I'm in.
Not to mean that I'm engaged...because I'm not. Sometimes I wonder if I feel left behind as I watch couples meet, start dating, get engaged and then marry - all within the 2+ years Jaime and I have been together. But I'm just not. I usually attribute this to the fact that both our parents married in their late 20s, so he and I never went into college feeling like there existed a constant countdown to the moment we would find "The One."
Truth be told, I like exactly where I'm at. I figure that I have the REST of my life to get married...but I probably don't have a limitless number of years left to check "single" on those little forms you fill out at the doctor's office. (And with that last statement, I've probably cursed myself for all eternity.) I like that we're in no hurry, and I like that we value marriage so much that it's not just something that's next on our relationship road map.
So, Jaime, take your time. Life, take your time. I'm not ready just yet.
I can't believe how fast this year went. Last year, I was getting yelled at when I was at work for incorrectly lifting the patient's shirt so our arrogant doctor can listen to the patient's lungs without using his free hand. Now I'm watching the future techs get yelled at for similar mistakes. Funny how life keeps repeating itself.
These last 8 (but who's counting?!) days of work are really surreal. A whole new life is waiting for me in Dallas...studying, new friends, old friends in a new city, a new place to live...and more. I am so excited. I can't wait for India, can't wait to move, can't wait to watch Jaime graduate, just can't wait in general.
Hopefully I can still win as many radio contests as I have in College Station.
i know everyone always says 'stay in college as long as you can' but i feel like maybe they've got it just a little wong. i think it should be edited to say 'stay in a college town as long as you can.' i...shocker...don't really MISS college. i don't miss the organization meetings every night of the week, i don't miss my leadership positions, i don't miss the stress of homework or tests and i don't miss the 400 semi-friends that it seemed really important to keep, even though everyone knows it's impossible to really stay friends with all those people after college. i just don't miss it at all. i'm glad to still be around a&m and all the traditions and aggies - but without all the stress of actual college.
i think i have the best of both worlds, honestly...i still have some contact with my college friends, but mostly just the ones i make effort to stay in contact with. i work all day in a job that gives me headaches occasionally but keeps me busy and fulfilled - and teaches me more than i can really put into words. after work, i come home and i do...whatever. hang out, make dinner, work out. it's really great. for the first time in many years, i'm not really busy. and i love it.
i'm really excited to see how the year pans out...everytime i think about it, i can't stop my mind from thinking about my future - hopefully PA school, a new apartment and city, a new life. while i'm happy here, i think i'll be ready for the change. because i moved around a lot when i was younger, i think i sometimes get restless whereas most people don't. or maybe they get restless too. i do know that i will have lived in college station for 6 years...which is the 2nd longest i've ever lived anywhere.
well...i'm going to go voluntarily help jaime study for anatomy. funny how it sounds like fun to study now that i'm not stressed about everything else in life and also not actually being tested myself.
so i'm at work and this man comes up to me...i was on facebook so i quickly closed the window, looked at him and smiled. he asked me when my last day was, because they're bringing in more people and need to know which cubicles are being used.
i think he felt weird for just asking me 'so when are you leaving?' and then walking away from my desk, so he stayed and asked me the normal questions you ask an intern. school? major? year? so what do you want to do with your life? if anyone asks me about the future and i have about zero probability of ever seeing them again after this internship, then i usually give some vague answer about graduating in december and deciding later...blah blah blah who knows, i'm still figuring it all out...blah blah yes, possibly grad school, i'm not sure, we'll see. i mean, after all, i can't openly say, "i can assure you i will never do consulting OR work for the oil & gas industry after this horrifically boring summer."
so then when he finds out an engineering major, he tells me that lots of engineers work doing software and everything, because they're technical people. and then he said, and i (practically) quote, "yeah, they're...you know...nerds. geeks."
i was like....excuse me?
hilarious. and further proof that i will never be an engineer.
and also - annoyances are like allergies. if you're allergic to cats - but you didn't know you were very allergic to MOLD - then being around cats can put you over the edge. but you'd think it was the cats that were the problem, wouldn't you?
if you're really annoyed with something, and then something else annoys you a little bit...it can seem like the small thing is annoying you when it's really a much bigger problem underneath.
i could never, ever be annoyed at the wonderful person you are, and how good you are to me. you are better than i could have ever imagined. i love you, j.
"HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE DO THIS EVERY DAY?!"
thank goodness for forgiveness.
by the time its thursday, i always kind of count the week to be over...so that means only 3 more weeks of my internship. and one of those weeks is in MIAMI! i can't believe i made it though this without going nuts. but i'm SO happy/proud i did.
and hey, okay, the money is nice too.
i learned that i do NOT want to be a consultant.
i learned that i do NOT want to sit at a desk all day and work on a computer.
i learned that i do NOT want to commute an hour to and from work every day.
i learned that i have to ABSOLUTELY love what i do for the rest of my life or i'll go crazy. seriously.
i learned that i DO want to be a PA more than EVER.
this may not have exactly been what they were going for as far as "learning objectives" but, hey, its my life so i'll learn what i need to learn.
even though this situation isn't what i want for the rest of my life, i've really had the chance to wrestle with my thoughts and worries and i feel like i'm stronger because of it. last night, i was reading this little book before bed, and it talked about not equating happiness with perfection - which is something i do all too often without even realizing it. instead of expecting people to be perfect, if i just simply take a few moments to think about what they HAVE rather than what they LACK then i am a much happier girl. i tend to focus so much on qualities or traits people lack that simply appreciating them for all that they are. i don't do this with everyone, or even lots of people - but our relationship suffers when i do this, whether they know it or not. this isn't a matter of "settling" for mediocre people - rather, its just not setting myself up for disappointment.
when we still lived in oklahoma, my mom bought us all journals for one valentine's day and they were our "grateful journals." every day we have to write two things in there that we were grateful for. i wrote in it for a good while before i stopped - i think i should start again. i think, especially after a summer of work away from my friends and boyfriend, that i will be even more appreciative of the small things.
i just have to stop looking for or expecting perfect - or even really close to perfect. and i'm learning how to do this.
"the best thing about growing older is that it takes up so much time."
a few weekends ago, i went on a road trip with the camp that i'm a campfire speaker for, and while we were all getting ready for dinner on saturday night i overheard a conversation between two of these cute freshman, soon-to-be-sophomore girls. (well...i suppose i didn't really "overhear" it because we were in the same room getting ready together.) they were talking about how they weren't sure if they wanted boyfriends quite yet, but they just wanted to go out on more dates. "guys never ask me out! i don't want anything serious...I just want to go on a date every once in awhile!" then the other one said, "yeah, i would love it if i were friends with a guy and then all of a sudden we realized we liked each other and so we started dating."
its so funny how you grow up and change and you don't even realize its happening.
i remember wishing the EXACT same two things at one point in college. i remember hoping that some guy and i would be best friends, and then one day we'd just all of a sudden be hanging out and have this incredibly powerful moment of revelation that we were 'in love' with each other. and now that i've grown up a little bit, i realized how little this really happens; most of the time, the romantic chemistry is either there or not, and it doesn't usually take years to figure it out. and if it does, it might mean that the guy didn't have the..ahem...to ask you out in the first place.. (and who wants to date a pansy anyway?) the same with the whole "i don't want to ruin our friendship" thing. at some point, you learn that this is code for "i actually DO like being your friend but i just don't want to date you...at all." if you really like someone, then you'll see what happens - you'll at least try it once. honestly, being with someone is a lot like having a best friend of the opposite sex that you make out with. its pretty simple. (and yet SO complicated...)
I also remember wanting to go on more dates - and then, end of sophomore year and all junior year, it happened. i can hardly remember all the dates i went on or all the guys that took me on these dates (and all the guys i kissed). sometimes i'll even run across a newly engaged couple on facebook and all of a sudden remember that i went on a date with the guy. lunches, dinners, movies, yell practices, dances, date parties, formals. just remembering it all right now kind of makes me feel exhausted. it took awhile, but i learned that on the whole, this was very, very unfulfilling. it becomes a routine: you dress up, worry about how you look, get nervous, go out, put yourself out there, talk about all the same general things (majors, hometowns, blah blah), and then he takes you home and you worry if he's going to try to make a move on you right there on your font step. then, you either wait for him to ask you out again, or hope that he got the clue and won't even try.
after awhile, it just feels like a waste of time - time that you could've spent hanging out with good friends. you might have a few good conversations and you might have some fun, but its so much more stressful and unsatisfying compared to being in an actual relationship - a relationship where you know the person well and you have fun with each other without asking their major or hoping they're going to try to hold your hand during the movie. two years ago, at maggies formal, i brought someone i thought i could've been interested in and even though he danced with me the whole night, i might as well have been dancing with a bowl of fruit loops. that's how much chemistry I felt. then, this year, when i went to ring dance with jaime - i didn't care what other couples we were with or what music was playing because i was having fun with HIM. i ALWAYS have fun when i'm with him - whether we're at dinner, at a movie, on a walk at midnight, or laying on his bed watching 'the office' on his laptop. i honestly, truthfully do. its like i can't NOT have fun when i'm with him.
the thing is - i'm by NO means faulting or criticizing these girls for how they feel right now. maybe they'll want different things in a few years, or maybe they won't. i know i'm not all the way "grown up" and i don't know everything - but i do know that i wouldn't have been ready to be in a relationship until i figured all that out for myself. which, for me, took roughly 3 1/2 years of college...plus a devastating spinal cord injury. (HA!) going out on dates and having lots of guys interested in you at one time can be so much fun, but eventually, it gets tiring and you're sick of waiting for...or avoiding...the call back.
as it turns out, growing up is actually a lot more fun that i was expecting.
