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Almost.
Probably it's just missing the constant interaction with people. And the idea that you're working, putting in your time, earning a living like a responsible grown-up. It's a good feeling to wake up every day knowing that people are relying on you to be somewhere and to do a job. It's also good that people expect you there at a certain time, because I only have SO much self-discipline when it comes to waking up early when I don't have somewhere to be.
So here I am, literally (and figuratively) packing up my life; one adventure in a different continent and then another whole set of adventures in a city far away from home.
But at least I won't get typhoid on any of these adventures because I got the vaccine today. Ouch!
First on the list was our roommate Kristin who had dated a corps boy for several years...then, our roommate Rachel who had met her match, a handsome law school student in Houston. After the initial few, we added couple after couple who we thought, in our infinite college senior wisdom, would get engaged within a few months or years. After a couple was engaged, their listing was checked. After a wedding, they were double checked. It scares me that I need to think of a mark to designate "with child..." because there are several couples having children. Now. Already. Having a kid.
Created almost three years ago, the list is still on the fridge at our apartment. Most of the names are checked. Most are even double checked. Others, sadly, have been crossed through. But the list still exists. And now...it's time to begin listing names on the backside, because the front is full. When the list was first invented, we felt we were on the precipice of something magnificent. And now, I'm no longer on the precipice...I'm in.
Not to mean that I'm engaged...because I'm not. Sometimes I wonder if I feel left behind as I watch couples meet, start dating, get engaged and then marry - all within the 2+ years Jaime and I have been together. But I'm just not. I usually attribute this to the fact that both our parents married in their late 20s, so he and I never went into college feeling like there existed a constant countdown to the moment we would find "The One."
Truth be told, I like exactly where I'm at. I figure that I have the REST of my life to get married...but I probably don't have a limitless number of years left to check "single" on those little forms you fill out at the doctor's office. (And with that last statement, I've probably cursed myself for all eternity.) I like that we're in no hurry, and I like that we value marriage so much that it's not just something that's next on our relationship road map.
So, Jaime, take your time. Life, take your time. I'm not ready just yet.
I can't believe how fast this year went. Last year, I was getting yelled at when I was at work for incorrectly lifting the patient's shirt so our arrogant doctor can listen to the patient's lungs without using his free hand. Now I'm watching the future techs get yelled at for similar mistakes. Funny how life keeps repeating itself.
These last 8 (but who's counting?!) days of work are really surreal. A whole new life is waiting for me in Dallas...studying, new friends, old friends in a new city, a new place to live...and more. I am so excited. I can't wait for India, can't wait to move, can't wait to watch Jaime graduate, just can't wait in general.
Hopefully I can still win as many radio contests as I have in College Station.
i know everyone always says 'stay in college as long as you can' but i feel like maybe they've got it just a little wong. i think it should be edited to say 'stay in a college town as long as you can.' i...shocker...don't really MISS college. i don't miss the organization meetings every night of the week, i don't miss my leadership positions, i don't miss the stress of homework or tests and i don't miss the 400 semi-friends that it seemed really important to keep, even though everyone knows it's impossible to really stay friends with all those people after college. i just don't miss it at all. i'm glad to still be around a&m and all the traditions and aggies - but without all the stress of actual college.
i think i have the best of both worlds, honestly...i still have some contact with my college friends, but mostly just the ones i make effort to stay in contact with. i work all day in a job that gives me headaches occasionally but keeps me busy and fulfilled - and teaches me more than i can really put into words. after work, i come home and i do...whatever. hang out, make dinner, work out. it's really great. for the first time in many years, i'm not really busy. and i love it.
i'm really excited to see how the year pans out...everytime i think about it, i can't stop my mind from thinking about my future - hopefully PA school, a new apartment and city, a new life. while i'm happy here, i think i'll be ready for the change. because i moved around a lot when i was younger, i think i sometimes get restless whereas most people don't. or maybe they get restless too. i do know that i will have lived in college station for 6 years...which is the 2nd longest i've ever lived anywhere.
well...i'm going to go voluntarily help jaime study for anatomy. funny how it sounds like fun to study now that i'm not stressed about everything else in life and also not actually being tested myself.
so i'm at work and this man comes up to me...i was on facebook so i quickly closed the window, looked at him and smiled. he asked me when my last day was, because they're bringing in more people and need to know which cubicles are being used.
i think he felt weird for just asking me 'so when are you leaving?' and then walking away from my desk, so he stayed and asked me the normal questions you ask an intern. school? major? year? so what do you want to do with your life? if anyone asks me about the future and i have about zero probability of ever seeing them again after this internship, then i usually give some vague answer about graduating in december and deciding later...blah blah blah who knows, i'm still figuring it all out...blah blah yes, possibly grad school, i'm not sure, we'll see. i mean, after all, i can't openly say, "i can assure you i will never do consulting OR work for the oil & gas industry after this horrifically boring summer."
so then when he finds out an engineering major, he tells me that lots of engineers work doing software and everything, because they're technical people. and then he said, and i (practically) quote, "yeah, they're...you know...nerds. geeks."
i was like....excuse me?
hilarious. and further proof that i will never be an engineer.
and also - annoyances are like allergies. if you're allergic to cats - but you didn't know you were very allergic to MOLD - then being around cats can put you over the edge. but you'd think it was the cats that were the problem, wouldn't you?
if you're really annoyed with something, and then something else annoys you a little bit...it can seem like the small thing is annoying you when it's really a much bigger problem underneath.
i could never, ever be annoyed at the wonderful person you are, and how good you are to me. you are better than i could have ever imagined. i love you, j.
"HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE DO THIS EVERY DAY?!"
thank goodness for forgiveness.
by the time its thursday, i always kind of count the week to be over...so that means only 3 more weeks of my internship. and one of those weeks is in MIAMI! i can't believe i made it though this without going nuts. but i'm SO happy/proud i did.
and hey, okay, the money is nice too.
i learned that i do NOT want to be a consultant.
i learned that i do NOT want to sit at a desk all day and work on a computer.
i learned that i do NOT want to commute an hour to and from work every day.
i learned that i have to ABSOLUTELY love what i do for the rest of my life or i'll go crazy. seriously.
i learned that i DO want to be a PA more than EVER.
this may not have exactly been what they were going for as far as "learning objectives" but, hey, its my life so i'll learn what i need to learn.
even though this situation isn't what i want for the rest of my life, i've really had the chance to wrestle with my thoughts and worries and i feel like i'm stronger because of it. last night, i was reading this little book before bed, and it talked about not equating happiness with perfection - which is something i do all too often without even realizing it. instead of expecting people to be perfect, if i just simply take a few moments to think about what they HAVE rather than what they LACK then i am a much happier girl. i tend to focus so much on qualities or traits people lack that simply appreciating them for all that they are. i don't do this with everyone, or even lots of people - but our relationship suffers when i do this, whether they know it or not. this isn't a matter of "settling" for mediocre people - rather, its just not setting myself up for disappointment.
when we still lived in oklahoma, my mom bought us all journals for one valentine's day and they were our "grateful journals." every day we have to write two things in there that we were grateful for. i wrote in it for a good while before i stopped - i think i should start again. i think, especially after a summer of work away from my friends and boyfriend, that i will be even more appreciative of the small things.
i just have to stop looking for or expecting perfect - or even really close to perfect. and i'm learning how to do this.
"the best thing about growing older is that it takes up so much time."
a few weekends ago, i went on a road trip with the camp that i'm a campfire speaker for, and while we were all getting ready for dinner on saturday night i overheard a conversation between two of these cute freshman, soon-to-be-sophomore girls. (well...i suppose i didn't really "overhear" it because we were in the same room getting ready together.) they were talking about how they weren't sure if they wanted boyfriends quite yet, but they just wanted to go out on more dates. "guys never ask me out! i don't want anything serious...I just want to go on a date every once in awhile!" then the other one said, "yeah, i would love it if i were friends with a guy and then all of a sudden we realized we liked each other and so we started dating."
its so funny how you grow up and change and you don't even realize its happening.
i remember wishing the EXACT same two things at one point in college. i remember hoping that some guy and i would be best friends, and then one day we'd just all of a sudden be hanging out and have this incredibly powerful moment of revelation that we were 'in love' with each other. and now that i've grown up a little bit, i realized how little this really happens; most of the time, the romantic chemistry is either there or not, and it doesn't usually take years to figure it out. and if it does, it might mean that the guy didn't have the..ahem...to ask you out in the first place.. (and who wants to date a pansy anyway?) the same with the whole "i don't want to ruin our friendship" thing. at some point, you learn that this is code for "i actually DO like being your friend but i just don't want to date you...at all." if you really like someone, then you'll see what happens - you'll at least try it once. honestly, being with someone is a lot like having a best friend of the opposite sex that you make out with. its pretty simple. (and yet SO complicated...)
I also remember wanting to go on more dates - and then, end of sophomore year and all junior year, it happened. i can hardly remember all the dates i went on or all the guys that took me on these dates (and all the guys i kissed). sometimes i'll even run across a newly engaged couple on facebook and all of a sudden remember that i went on a date with the guy. lunches, dinners, movies, yell practices, dances, date parties, formals. just remembering it all right now kind of makes me feel exhausted. it took awhile, but i learned that on the whole, this was very, very unfulfilling. it becomes a routine: you dress up, worry about how you look, get nervous, go out, put yourself out there, talk about all the same general things (majors, hometowns, blah blah), and then he takes you home and you worry if he's going to try to make a move on you right there on your font step. then, you either wait for him to ask you out again, or hope that he got the clue and won't even try.
after awhile, it just feels like a waste of time - time that you could've spent hanging out with good friends. you might have a few good conversations and you might have some fun, but its so much more stressful and unsatisfying compared to being in an actual relationship - a relationship where you know the person well and you have fun with each other without asking their major or hoping they're going to try to hold your hand during the movie. two years ago, at maggies formal, i brought someone i thought i could've been interested in and even though he danced with me the whole night, i might as well have been dancing with a bowl of fruit loops. that's how much chemistry I felt. then, this year, when i went to ring dance with jaime - i didn't care what other couples we were with or what music was playing because i was having fun with HIM. i ALWAYS have fun when i'm with him - whether we're at dinner, at a movie, on a walk at midnight, or laying on his bed watching 'the office' on his laptop. i honestly, truthfully do. its like i can't NOT have fun when i'm with him.
the thing is - i'm by NO means faulting or criticizing these girls for how they feel right now. maybe they'll want different things in a few years, or maybe they won't. i know i'm not all the way "grown up" and i don't know everything - but i do know that i wouldn't have been ready to be in a relationship until i figured all that out for myself. which, for me, took roughly 3 1/2 years of college...plus a devastating spinal cord injury. (HA!) going out on dates and having lots of guys interested in you at one time can be so much fun, but eventually, it gets tiring and you're sick of waiting for...or avoiding...the call back.
as it turns out, growing up is actually a lot more fun that i was expecting.
"You know what - every week a ridiculous amount of money gets deducted from my paycheck to pay for insurance for things people are afraid will happen. Medical insurance, car insurance, life insurance, house insurance. But there's no insurance for the thing I'm most afraid of - growing old alone and unhappy."
(P.S. You should write a book.)
Posted on January 31st, 2006 at 12:03 am
sometime relatively soon, it'd be nice to be the "important girl," instead of "the girl in between the important girl."
it'll happen.
wow...and now i'm the important girl. it DID happen.
in other news...my job is boring. SO boring. there's not that much people interaction and i just kind of sit at a desk in the center of the room (because there's nowhere else for me right now) and smile as people walk by and laugh when they ask things like, "are you in time out?" its great getting paid what I get paid…and its also great (I think) to know that I'm getting paid this much to realize what I quite possibly DON'T want to do. Granted, I have no interest in oil & gas, and I would probably be much more excited to do this same job at a hospital or clinic or something, but still - I want the one-on-one, or several-on-one, warm, caring, interaction that I KNOW is out there.
Sometimes I feel so silly for caring so much and thinking so carefully about what it is I want to do with my life - but my question is, why DON'T people care more?! It’s the REST of your LIFE. Even if I have kids, they're eventually going to be in school. And I'm not sure I just want to take care of the house and errands all day. I know there's plenty to do to keep a house running, but I just want something different than that. So…even when you take out time for raising your kids - I'll still be working PLENTY of years to justify putting this much thought into getting a job I like.
I think I'm realizing that sometimes, the advantage of working your way up to a really high position in a company is that you don't have to actually do as much work.
So, the other night, while I was talking to jaime, he told me that I needed to "date" different careers to see if it was right for me, among other pieces of very wise advice. So, I got the number of a PA that's friends with Mary Ann Tabb. And I'm going to call and ask her on a date. Okay, obviously not a real date, but I'm going to see if I can meet with her over dinner or coffee and talk about what its like being a PA and also see if I might be able to shadow her sometime in the beginning of August.
Its so strange how my nights fill up so quickly…this week, I went shopping with my mom last night, tonight is happy hour with the houston maggies, and tomorrow I've got plans too. There is just so little time for anything but work, except for the weekends. Now I understand why a lot of working adults don't get the chance to exercise - when you're only homeawake from like 6 to 10 or 11 every night, you just want to hang out…and be pasty. I'm considering self-tanner.
Also, I think I'm finally realizing that jaime isn't going anywhere. Which is funny that I'm just now realizing this - I mean, the stomach virus, picking me up from work because of cramps, and a spinal surgery & neckbrace for 8 weeks didn't convince me? Oh em. I'm also realizing how incredibly lucky I am. I made a list of all the wonderful things he's done for me or said over the past 6+ months - just to read when I miss him - and wow. I am SUCH a lucky girl and its so obvious that he cares so much.
Anyone have any suggestions for how to amuse yourself during work?
the real world is such a thief. i feel like its stealing my gas for the commute, my money for professional clothes...and the most scary thing, my time. i think i hate commuting more than i hate anything in the world. i haven't even actually commuted yet. but tomorrow i will. and i think i'll absolutely hate it.
cause here's the thing: you get up and leave by, say, 6:30 am, to miss traffic and everything. you work all day, with only a lunch break, and then you're off at 5. and it takes you at least an hour to drive home, so, you're home by 6. to push things a little and only get 7 hours of sleep, you'd have to shower and go to bed by 11. so you have 5 hours of a 24 hour to do what YOU actually want to do, plus 2 days out of every week. am i the only one that's not excited about this? how can this happen? you're devoting almost half the hours in your day to work, either driving to or from. that's stupid. and that's why i wanted to travel this summer. so i could at least be somewhere else and not have to fight millions of other houstonians to be downtown and then come home to a frustrating mother. but no, staffed in freaking houston, the city that i kind of hate. damn.
so what happens is, i end up feeling mad that this job is stealing my life, even if it is paying a lot of money an hour. its going to be nice having money, but then i also feel conflicted between saving it and spending it. do i buy a new cool laptop and camera and a few new clothes or do i save it all? my only real expense is gas this summer, so i don't know why i feel the need to hoard it.
and i feel jealous of my boyfriend for getting to hang out in college station all summer, even though that's exactly what i've done the past 2 summers. i'm jealous when he talks about hanging out with his camp or playing softball or staying up late. and i'm not sure what i expect him to say to make me feel better...and i'm sad that we have to be apart all summer, although just like he says, we've known this was coming for awhile and we're going to be fine. by no fault of his own, he just can't completely understand what's going through my head because he's not in the real world. i'm not worried about breaking up - i'm just worried about being unhappy.
that's it. i'm so afraid of being unhappy. all the time. about everything. and this is just making it worse.
i feel like it might be impossible to have fun this summer from monday to friday. i know they'll be fun times, and i haven't even been to my client yet or met my team, but i guess i'm just so afraid and worried and a little angry and jealous and i know i can't really change the situation i'm in, at least not for 9 weeks and 3 days.
so now what? unless i just fall in love with consulting, i have NO idea. i feel scared and trapped. do i go full-time consulting after i graduate in december? do i stay on for a couple more semesters and go to PA school? I see myself being much more excited about being a PA than i feel about commuting. and the thing about being a PA is you could even work in a smaller town and make a great living for yourself and still have a LIFE.
they say that these days, young people aren't as motivated by money and opportunity as they used to be. we're more motivated by quality of life, and i completely identify with that. i don't want to be in traffic forever every day. i don't want to spend almost 12 hours driving to work or being at work.
AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
at least i feel better after writing this.
i think this is weird. why am i like this?
i still remember jaime telling me in the beginning of february that he wanted our love to be comfortable. he would get frustrated with me (and rightfully so) for constantly asking things and asking "do you mind?" he would always tell me that of COURSE he didn't mind and that's just all part of being in a relationship. i feel so formal all the time - i'm not good at asking favors and just sitting in the car without talking and asking for things. i always say i'm sorry all the time - over and over again - and i thank him repeatedly for things. i know this might sound sweet - and i know he appreciates it - but on some level, its also kind of annoying. how would i feel if a guy i was dating was always stepping on eggshells around me and was afraid to assert himself? it would get so old.
i wonder if i think i'm weirder than i actually am.
on another note, half of myself is moving to washington dc in about a week and a half and i am feeling a little lost. krista is my best friend and she's always been, at most, a couple hour's drive away almost the entire length of our friendship. life is changing and i'm just not sure what to do with it...
and i compare
and i've learned that comparison is the thief of joy
and worrying gets me...nowhere. and it gets me there unhappy too.
that in trying to make someone happy, you hurt them. and you can't really take it back or make excuses; you can only apologize and hope they still love you in the end.
i'm sorry again. i really am sorry.
last night was ring dance with jaime. i had an ABSOLUTE blast with him - i can't think of having more fun with ANYONE else. seriously. i had SO MUCH FUN. earlier in the day, i had tried to trick him and tell him that when i picked up his vest and tie, it was bright orange...and so he brought me bright orange roses that night.
and i told him i loved him.
he's said it before; i've sometimes referenced it and occasionally beat around the bush about it, but he's always been more brave and sure than i have been. he doesn't say it often at all - which is great because it means SO much every time he says it - but i've never, ever been the first to say it.
we were in the car on the way to dinner, and he was telling me that the CD we were listening to stayed in the car "for when we go on dates" and that all the songs remind him of me in some way (its his sister's car that we borrow for special occasions). then, we listened to this one song about a guy sitting outside a bedroom door of someone he loved or something like that, and i asked him why that reminded him of me. he told me about a time in november when he was still "chasing" me and he was over at my house studying while i was sleeping. he said that he came up and just sat outside my door for like 10 minutes and it was a really intense moment for him.
and then...just like people say it does...i couldn't NOT say it. i just couldn't. i debated it for like half a millisecond and then i just blurted it out, sitting there in the car while we were driving, tearing up, my lips quivering even though i tried to bite them to get them to stop. he paused and did the little thing where he drops his head a little bit and looked at me and said "i love you too." then he just smiled at me with that look in his eyes...oh, that look...while i struggled not to burst into full blown tears.
wow.
i'm not cynical about everything...but in some situations i am so unbelievably cynical. and its not attractive.
i'm cynical about my senior design classes and my prof, who seems to delight in giving us vague, unclear directions and then watching us perform lower than his also unclear and vague expectations.
i'm cynical about my biosignals analysis class, where the prof reads his equations off his notes (that he holds in his hand) without any sort of real explanation. think your worst nightmare of a math class...and this is it.
i'm cynical about jaime sometimes...very unfairly. maybe more so, i'm critical. i can be so critical when there is no reason for it. and why? he is SO very good to me. i know everyone says your expectations can never be too high - well sometimes, mine are.
i think a lot of my negative feelings come from school and a major from which i have taken little applicable knowledge - some it's own fault, and some mine. i want to be taught. i want to learn. in this major, i don't feel like i've learned how to solve problems or how to approach difficult situations. i feel like i've learned to "get by" - on homework, on tests, on projects, on it ALL. with a 3.5 GPA. what the hell?
i don't want to be cynical. i don't want to be critical.
i want to be an overflowing cup of joy, encouragement, positivity and hope.
thank goodness for mantra number 6. right k?
ouch
ouch
ouch
OUCH.
i know i'm a once-in-a-lifetime girl.
....the question is: can i trust you with my heart?
for awhile recently, i've been eating a LOT of cheetos. and by cheetos...i mean boys. stupid boys.
the thing about cheetos is, they taste so good at first - but you forget how bad they are for you, and how bad they make you feel afterwards. you know in your head that you should go for the whole wheat. i've always liked whole wheat. the good boys. i'll talk to anyone about cutting all that other crap out of your diet and only eating 'the good stuff.' a lot of people put up with cheetos. i've never been one of them. before now.
and yet, here i am, eating cheeto after cheeto.
i think i'm addicted. i want to stop, but when you're in the moment, when you're eating those cheetos, you think they're good. you think they'll satisfy. but it isn't until after that you wish maybe you hadn't. that maybe you should wait for the wheat. or just take a break.
the thing about cheetos is, they'll sustain you for awhile, but they're definitely not the best. in the long run, they'll destroy you, to be honest. but wheat? wheat makes you feel so good. and not just now...forever.
God has a great sense of humor.
